Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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