My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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