Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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