what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
