Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's shark week go big or go home
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
