i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
