Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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