respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
