Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
