eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize