Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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