One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
