there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
