how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
