You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
