did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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