How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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