My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
