I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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