just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize