your thong is hanging out like whoa
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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