I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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