There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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