How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
