i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
