glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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