He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
