When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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