DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
