The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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