I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
