I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So apparently I’m into choking now
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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