The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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