Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize