I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize