Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
