Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
