Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize