I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
50% drunk capacity currently
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
