When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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