Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
