My friends, they love my intelligence
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
