i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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