The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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