put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
