Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
