I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
