I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
