life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
