Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
