I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
