toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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