I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
home. puking in laundry basket.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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