Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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