She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
