the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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