I just saw a hot homeless man
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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