What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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