DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
