i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
