i wish my penis had a tongue
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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