Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
