Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
