fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
