Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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